It is unlikely that a child will make it through childhood without experiencing death. When the passing is unexpected, it can be challenging to break the news to a child. A very young child, who has never experience the death of a friend, pet or loved one, may not know how to react to such news.
Children often want to know what it means to die. For young children, this may mean explaining that physically, death is a process where the body stops working. Using euphemisms like passing on or went to sleep are not recommended, as they may cause the child to have concerns that they might accidentally die in their sleep.
Children may also want to know what happens to a body after someone dies. In fact they may ask questions that can shock a parent. It’s considered best to treat such questions with accurate but simple facts.
Even with an explanation, after the death of a friend, children may not be able to grasp that a friend is really gone. If the family believes in some form of afterlife, this can prove comforting or perplexing. Children that believe in God may find themselves wondering why God caused the death. There is no one good way to approach this, except to assure the child that he or she is safe.
Thus, the death of a friend is basically the beginning of many conversations, some factual, some spiritual and some emotional. It is highly likely that a child’s way of grieving is quite different from adult response. Children may not cry, or they may not want to talk about it. They may think about it much longer and have questions six months down the road. Conversations about what it means to die may have to be repeated.
Openness with one’s child to these conversations is absolutely key. Instead of expecting a child to feel a certain way, expect him or her to feel many different ways. A child who experiences the death of a friend may act out, or get sad sometimes years after a death. Alternately, they may not shed a tear, because they simply cannot grasp the issue.
It can help to consult other parents or a grief counselor if you feel unable to answer your child’s questions. Grief counselors can help one navigate parenting through this tragic experience. When necessary, a child may benefit from some individual grief counseling or play therapy as well.
Older children may react differently to a death of a friend than a younger child. In fact, teens often don’t want to discuss their feelings with parents. They may feel more comfortable discussing their thoughts with their peers. When the death is felt by a school community, for example, schools are often excellent at providing grief counseling and support to the students in the challenging months ahead.
While it's important to let a teen know you are available to them, it’s also important to respect their space if they don’t want to discuss their feelings. It is not wise to try to force a discussion with a teen. One can, however, initiate family counseling if the death affects all family members.
However, one should look for signs in the teenager of continued depression. Sometimes close friends may imitate a death of a friend. This is a dangerous situation, and requires watchfulness. Should a teen seem after a few months not to be recovering at all, counseling should definitely be considered.
Some parents feel that they shouldn’t show their own emotions about the death of a friend to children. However, psychologists often feel this is a mistake. While overblown screaming and crying might make the child worried, natural tears and feeling sad in front of child may help him or her understand they too can cry or feel sad. Parents and friends teach a lifelong lesson about how people grieve when they encounter death. Responding with no emotion may well teach the child that emotional reaction is unacceptable.
