It's good to read through all the perspectives, both moms and dads to be. I am currently 5 and a half months pregnant with my second child, and am completely afraid that my husband will resent his new daughter for the stress that we have experienced throughout this pregnancy.
With our first daughter, he was amazing, and I am not sugar-coating anything. He was truly excited about being a dad, and was always there to support me, curious to know what I was going through and how he could help. We took trips together, the sex was great throughout, he would exercise with me and tell me how great I looked, and how attractive he found me. He didn't act like I was incapable of anything because I was pregnant, and stood up to people when they told me to stop landscaping or hiking. I was afraid that I was moody or emotional, and tried to be aware of it at all times, but he constantly told me that I was great.
We decided to have another baby about a year ago, and started trying in November. I conceived in January and lost it in March, on our anniversary (I had kept the pregnancy test a secret and was going to give it to him as his present). My birthday was the following week, and I was down about losing the baby, but knew that it is not rare and that it didn't mean I couldn't have another.
We both decided to try again, and I conceived this child in May. When I found out I was pregnant again, I told him, and his first response was anxiety, stress, worry how we were going to do this and anger at me. He owns his own business and it is very stressful, but we had talked this through and planned it out with additional insurance and we had both been active participants. I was shocked at his reaction, but blew it off and blamed it on his stress level. I figured he would apologize and connect back with me.
Well, I am still waiting for some kind of support, but instead he has become what I can only explain as verbally abusive towards me. I was extremely sick with morning sickness from about week seven through week 13, and then felt fine. However, this morning sickness time period was during the hot summer months and I was in charge of our garden (I tilled the soil on mother's day, did all the design and planted 99 percent of the veggies on my own) and no matter how early I got up to go work in the garden, I couldn't make it through more than an hour of the work. I would get violently sick, and then my 3 year old would wake up and need me. Then the daily chores needed to be attended to, and by the time he got home, I would hear about how lazy I was and how he was sick of having the responsibility of taking care of everything around the house and running a business.
I tried to plan weekend getaways to help us as a family reconnect and escape the stress of home and work, but was ignored by him and when he did listen to a suggestion of mine for weekend getaway, he blew up at me and told me I didn't understand his business and asked how could I ever suggest such a thing.
The next day I had to take him to the emergency room because I had caused him to have stroke-like symptoms, which thankfully turned out to be Bells-Palsy instead. I felt horrible, and apologized and promised I would never do anything like that again. Exactly one week from his blow-up at me for suggesting we spend some time together, he decided to go hiking with a woman we are both friends with, at night for several hours, and didn't bother to tell me where he was with our 3 year old daughter. On this night hike, our friend decided to let my husband know that she and her husband were separated. I had made two phone calls to his phone, and the first was asking when he would be home so I would know when to start dinner, and the other was an hour after he was usually home because I had heard nothing from him for five hours and was making sure that he and our daughter were OK.
When he did finally call me back on his way home, he had my daughter call and tell me to chill out over the phone. When he walked in the door, he was sarcastic, unapologetic and defensive. He had never done anything like that before, and I couldn't eat or sleep for about three days trying to figure out what the hell happened. I vomited three times over the whole incident, but I didn't confront him about it for several weeks as I wanted to get someone else's perspective to make sure that I wasn't hormonally overreacting.
When I finally felt that my emotions were in check, I confronted him about it, and he laughed and told me I was overreacting and that I was being absurd. I was calm when I asked if I needed to be concerned about him pursuing a relationship with our friend, as prior to this hiking incident, he had told me personal information about her that she had told him, things I wasn't really comfortable with, but didn't want to make a big deal about because he was telling me and no flags came up in my head.
I found out from my daughter that he had been to this friend's house with our daughter and had sat and talked with her (I can't assume that it was for any given amount of time, as my child is three and time constraints are not something she can quite understand, but I do know that it was sure enough time for my daughter and this friends son to play with specific numerous toys). In response to my question about a possible affair, or interest in having one with our friend, I was told by my husband that I shouldn't worry about any interest of his towards this woman, as he has had plenty of extremely attractive women make it known that they wanted a sexual relationship with him, and that he wasn't attracted to our friend.
He then proceeded to tell me that I needed to worry about these other women, because many of them were highly successful and offered a hell of lot more than I ever could. I, of course, was extremely hurt and when I started crying, he told me to go ahead and cry like the insecure baby I was, and that if I was so concerned about him leaving, I should do more to make myself more attractive to him. He told me I remind him of his mom, and he is no way attracted to anyone who looks like that. He also informed me that the only time he has been attracted to me in our 11 year relationship was when we didn't live together for three months following the birth of our daughter (because of work) and thus far, I have been a disappointment when it came to being a wife.
This was several months ago, and after several doctor's appointments that he forgot about, I begged him to come to the 20th week to see the ultrasound. He was at first frustrated as he was so busy, but finally agreed. He saw the pictures, went to the bathroom and told me to have a good rest of my day at work. When I got home that evening, he said he felt bad because he hadn't given much thought to the pregnancy until he saw the ultrasound. He says he sort of forgot about it, but how can you forget about something like that when you sleep next to the person it is directly impacting?
He managed to make sure that I knew how large I was getting and how fat I looked compared to the first pregnancy, which is funny because I haven't come close to gaining the amount of weight that I did with the first. He has recently said he cannot stand spending time with me, and that if I don't quit asking or saying what have I done or why don't you like me anymore, any thoughts of mine that he is going to cheat will come true and they will be my fault as I have wished for it.
I am emotionally drained and heartbroken, and I am worried that his issues with me, whatever they are, will be also directed toward this new baby. He is a great father with our daughter, but his work is first priority. Sex has been absent from the relationship and when I try to at least initiate for his pleasure alone, he turns away from me. The baby has been moving for several weeks, but only recently can one feel it from the outside. He happened to rest his hand on my belly one night and the baby moved, and he jerked his hand away and said "Ugh, that's gross!" He loved to feel our first daughter move.
I don't know who this person is that I am now married to, but our future looks horrible. I am trying not to be a downer, and I try to listen to what I can do to make him like me, but it's all one sided, as when I try to talk with him about my feelings (which is very rare, I am not one who wears everything on my shoulder) he rolls his eyes and twists what I a saying and says I am misguided and have not original thought of my own.
Sorry this has gone on for so long, but I really have no one to vent to. If you are an expecting dad to be, and you have done any of the said above, please go home and no matter how much she pushes you away, tell her you love her and apologize, and connect and make time to show her that you want her. I don't have that, and I can tell you that I feel like dirt and the biggest fool.
